Emotional Tails

Start With a Regular Bedtime Window

To get your kids into a better bedtime habit, the first thing to do is decide on a reasonable time for them to be in bed, and try to do that pretty much every night. What that time is will be a little different depending on how old they are, what school is like, and what your family needs, but being consistent means kids will know sleep is coming and won’t fight it when you suddenly tell them to go to bed. A regular bedtime will also make getting up in the morning much easier.

For how much sleep a child of each age needs, and for ideas on how to help them sleep better, HealthyChildren.org is a good resource. Importantly, they suggest making sure your child is getting enough rest for their age and how they’re growing. Many families notice they argue about bedtime a lot less if the bedtime routine begins before the child gets too exhausted.

Create a Repeating Sequence Children Can Predict

Bedtime goes most smoothly when you do things in the same order every night. This generally means a bath or washing up, getting into pajamas, brushing teeth, reading a book, a quick chat, and then turning off the lights. Kids are much more likely to go along with things if they know what’s happening and it’s not wildly different from the night before.

Knowing what’s going to happen is important for a calmer time, as it means there’s less arguing. Rather than discussing each thing as you get to it, everyone flows through steps the child is used to. And for little ones, this is a way to start doing things on their own because they’ll figure out what comes next without you having to tell them all the time.

Reduce Evening Stimulation, Especially From Screens

A really frequent problem getting kids to bed is using phones, tablets, or the TV too late. The American Academy of Pediatrics says to switch devices off at least an hour before bed and to not allow them in children’s rooms. They say this because all that media actually makes it later when kids fall asleep, gets in the way of getting calm for bed, and makes it harder for them to relax and go to sleep.

And even if what they are watching or doing on the device is slow paced, it can still keep them thinking. Or it leads to “just one more” of something…another show, another game, another video. Families generally do better when there’s a definite time screens are put away and a clear change to calmer things like reading, drawing or a quick story.

Use Bedtime to Reinforce Connection, Not Only Compliance

Bedtime is much smoother if it isn’t just a list of things to do. A little story, a quick ‘how are you feeling?’ or a phrase you always say, can make children feel emotionally safe at the end of the day. And as these things happen over and over, it gives grown-ups a chance to pick up on shifts in how a child is feeling, or with stress or their behaviour, things they might not have said.

This emotional side is important because kids don’t always fight sleep because they won’t do what you say. It can be because they’ve had too much going on, are worried about being without you, or their day has been too full. A peaceful, connecting little activity can help a child relax into sleep feeling braver and less anxious.

Adjust the Routine as Children Grow

A bedtime routine that works all the time is a myth. Little kids, pre-schoolers, children in primary school, and teens have different ways of sleeping, are at different stages of being able to do things themselves, and have different things going on at night. As a result, families will probably have to change the order of what happens at bedtime now and then, but it’s important to always be steady and keep things calm before bed.

With younger children, you’ll likely need to be much more involved in getting them ready. Older kids, on the other hand, will need boundaries around when and how long they use phones or tablets, a set time to finish their school work, and ways to relax on their own. What doesn’t change is how important a regular evening plan is.

Look for Patterns When Bedtime Continues to Be Difficult

When getting your child to bed is still a struggle, it’s worth thinking about the whole day. Things like unpredictable naps, older kids having caffeine too late in the day, a lot of screen time as evening comes on, a schedule that’s all over the place, or not much running and playing during the day all influence how well they sleep. In fact, what is causing bedtime troubles isn’t always bedtime itself, but what has been going on during the day.

If you’re still worried about how your child sleeps, how they act at bedtime, or if they’re continually exhausted during the day, talking to your doctor is a good idea. Lots of different things can be at the root of sleep problems and a doctor’s advice is useful if a simple change to the routine isn’t doing the trick.

And to get a better bedtime going, you’ll almost never achieve it with just one very firm rule.

Key Takeaway